Monday, May 16, 2005

Fuck Ty Pennington

Much like every girl I know admitted to masturbating once she'd graduated from high school, grown men keep telling me they weep during ABC's "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." It appears that while I was busy suppressing my childhood traumas, it became cool to turn on the waterworks while watching cancer-ridden dwarves with Down Syndrome drool over the giant Sears logo gleaming on their new plasma TV.

Granted, there is something really sad about this show: Disney-owned ABC sends the family to Disney World every week. Every branded material used during construction poses for a close-up, and by the end of each episode, some unfortunate has broken down in tears, mumbling, 'Thank you so much, ABC," while wiping snot from his or her nose. It's like the cultural intersection of prostitution, IKEA and the "Blair Witch Project."

If moral turpitude disguised as good will weren't enough to make me retch (which, let's be honest, it isn't) then Ty Pennington seals the deal. If Martha Stewart and Ryan Seacrest fucked in the back of a Ford Focus, the result would look a lot like this megaphone-toting, platitude-spewing douche bag. It's only a matter of time before his new line of Sears home-decorating products cross-brands with Kleenex to include "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" tissues with clever phrases like "Move that bus!" scrawled in Ty's own handwriting.

Wipe your tears, bitches. I'll wipe my ass.

17 Comments:

Anonymous Ken said...

Fuck Ty Pennington? Don't mind if I do!

6/07/2005 2:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get in line. Too bad SS you're gonna lose on this one every time. The man is too good at his job and you suck at jealousy. HA! Go Ty!

12/03/2005 7:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOW!!! Can't believe how jealous you are. You are just upset because you've probably NEVER had a date and well he's had all kinds. Not to mention he's talented with a brain for which you are not.

1/03/2006 7:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, SS, let's see you out there
working your ass off to give a deserving family a new home with a second chance at building a new
life!
Fuck Ty Pennington? No,fuck
YOU, asshole!

3/17/2006 9:44 PM  
Anonymous Heather said...

Okay they are currently doing a house in Toronto, SD and I went and volunteered yesterday. Ty was a total ass. He wouldnt sign anything and spent like an hour there jus to record some footage. Eduardo was the only one decent enough to say hi and sign a shirt or two.

9/13/2006 5:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree more. Anyone with some insight can see that Ty Pennington should kill himself. Even his good will on Extreme Makeover comes across as fake and self righteous, and the corny utterances make me want to jab my eyes out. You can just tell that the guy is probably a total bastard in real life. And you know he wouldn't be caught dead doing any sort of philanthropy work unless there were 20 cameras there capturing the footage which is the greatness of Ty Pennington.

10/29/2006 9:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kill Ty, oh yes sir.. I can't stand that guy anymore.. Coming there with his sweet fake propaganda of being the perfect american.. shouting in that megafon on and on.. Oh dam what he is anoying. And the thing that i can't stand most, is that people actully can like him.. He dosen't do dis program for being nice. No, he's doing it for earning a lot of money. And for the love of god, can they all stop being so fucking gay and cry like 25 times in every episode of "Extrem Bendover Homeedition"... //sorry for bad speling// Made by "KAE"

12/23/2006 10:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kill Ty, oh yes sir.. I can't stand that guy anymore.. Coming there with his sweet fake propaganda of being the perfect american.. shouting in that megafon on and on.. Oh dam what he is anoying. And the thing that i can't stand most, is that people actully can like him.. He dosen't do dis program for being nice. No, he's doing it for earning a lot of money. And for the love of god, can they all stop being so fucking gay and cry like 25 times in every episode of "Extrem Bendover Homeedition"... //sorry for bad speling// Made by "KAE"

12/23/2006 10:03 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

Yeah, Fuck Ty Pennington, he's incredibly full of himself.

The show may help people (sometimes), but it can also cause a lot of harm. I talk about it in a post on my blog: http://www.jeffrose.ca/2009/11/fuck-ty-pennington/

11/17/2009 11:58 AM  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

He is such a douche bag. He went to a town I lived in and was helping a local family who didn't need the help because they got insurance money. He came to my school and made us get off our sidewalks which were outside Bc my school was hit by a tornado so he could film. he was a complete asshole to the people Unless the camera was on

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